This is not a victim narrative. Quite the opposite.

Think back to the fall of 2019. That’s right. Before masks, before COVID. Back when the only things we had to worry about were Trump and global warming. And oh yeah, everything else. Think back to the evening of Sunday, September 22. I was folding laundry in my bedroom. I was by myself.

How triggered was I when I got your email? Pretty damn triggered.

So triggered that I remember reading an entirely different letter. I still don’t understand how, but I thought you were saying the opposite of what you said. The letter you wrote below (redacted) was thoughtful, compassionate, and entirely appropriate. Keep in mind that all this transpired a year and a half ago. You asked me to cut off contact last June, which I respected. I am posting this belated response on my blog, knowing that you have stopped by the site in the past, in the hopes that you may read it.

I only came across your email this past Saturday night, in the process of scheduling a photo shoot prior to our app’s 2.0 launch. Somehow searching for the word “headshot” brought up the subject line “Heads up”  — and this message from you — in my Gmail search results. I was surprised, because I didn’t remember a thread with that subject line. I try not to revisit our correspondence and have deleted most of it. I think what must have happened was that I skimmed it quickly on my phone, but was simply too angry to process or understand the contents. 

I am deeply sorry. It wasn’t a conscious choice.

I wish I could undo it. It would have saved us both a series of hostile and deeply unpleasant exchanges, and (for me this is important) it would have provided the closure that I needed. You were willing, I think, to give me everything I was asking for: which was in essence the space to be heard and come to some place of mutual understanding.

Now I doubt if I will ever get that chance. Maybe eventually I’ll write a self-help piece about trauma. Maybe I’ll try to cover these topics in fiction. I wish I had the option of moving on, but that is the most difficult part of trauma. The best I’ve been able to do is stay busy.

And now, back to our regularly scheduled programming…

Rose C. [who can be wrong about things]

 

Originally published January 27, 2021. Redacted text of email appears below.

 

****, far from disregarding you, I have been unsure about how to respond and have been trying to figure it out. I *****************************************************************************************************
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don’t even know where to go to find that out, so it’s taken me a bit of research.

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***************************************************************************************************************** ************, entirely well-intentioned time together last year.

More soon.

Thanks and best regards,

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